Mickey Mouse: Hot or Not? (With Merch!)

January 28, 2016

People love to discuss and rate the appearance of various celebrities, like the unrelenting discussions on Kim Kardashian’s weight/fashion/morning breath, but what about other, more long-standing members of pop culture? How do their appearance changes hold up to the scrutiny of the very scientific and infallible Hot or Not scale?

A slave to trends since he was discovered by a talent scout turned business partner in 1928, Mickey has definitely showed his age at times, as well as his disconnect from what he is told people are wearing compared to what they are actually wearing. Sometimes he even tries to compete with others, wearing the same outfits with an air of “aw shucks, look at this complete coincidence!” superiority.

Steamboat Willie is an exception to this rule, with his rough looks and buttoned shorts pulled up so far above his belly button that there is a very good chance that he can taste them. A definite low-point in his fashion career, but almost charming in how honestly unconcerned it is, but it still falls firmly into the Not category.

If you always want to feel better about your outfits, commemorate this fashion failure for all eternity with this figure from The Disney Store.

Predating Vermin Supreme and LARPers everywhere, this was Mickey’s attempt at trying to set trends himself, not realizing that the only person in all of human history who could pull this off is Cher, and bad Cher imitations are 100% Not. If you must imitate the queen of everything, you do it right, or you suffer the flames of eternal shame.

Another way to always ensure that you feel like a winner, this expensively beautiful piece of art will look perfect hanging in your bedroom. Or, if you’re looking for a more budget-friendly option, there’s always this stuffed version, so you can physically touch all of the magical (get it?) fashion mistakes yourself.

Finally realizing that shorts are supposed to cover your legs and not your chest, this outfit is finally getting closer to the trends actual people wear, making this a middling Hot. If there was ever a Half a Hot, this look is it.

Be the life of the costume party by making light of decades of Mickey’s #1 fashion disaster by wearing this hat, pretending that he wore his shorts so high that they up to, if not over, his entire head. Mocking cultural icons is the fastest way to become the most popular person at any event!

 

 

There is already a 100% perfect-in-every-way animal Robin Hood, and it’s not Mickey (no matter how cute this plushie is). It’s a fox, who happens to be The Fox for all of us, a childhood dream that makes us all a little sad that you can’t marry a cartoon, and that all of the promises (threats?) of human/animal marriage never came to anything. That doesn’t change the fact that Mickey’s Robin Hood copy is a Not, because none of us are married to him in the deepest parts of our hearts (also, check out this Robin Hood & Maid Marion pin, be still my heart.)

 

Brothers-turned-enemies-(spoilers)turned-buddies, both share the same fashion sense of clog/boot hybrids with oddly bright shorts and no shirt, like the worst of Home Depot crossed with the worst of the Jersey Shore in the summer. I don’t know if it’s worse that one copied the other, or that they continued to wear matching outfits for almost a century, but I suppose you can’t question the strangeness of brotherhood. I want to rate this a Not, just because it’s old, it’s dated, it’s double the trash that it was before, but I suppose that in the interest of supporting friendship and familial bonds, that I have to rate it a Hot, because it’s a symbol of their tireless devotion to each other. And it’s kind of cute, when you think about it that way — I dress my brother-cats in matching sweaters and it’s really cute, so it’s got to be the same, right?

I hope that Mickey’s inability to keep up with fashion trends also means that he’s been unable to keep up with computer trends, because as much fun as it is to make fun of his clothes, it feels wrong to do. It’s like insulting a puppy, or telling a baby that it’s stupid. But ignoring all of that, the point is that, going by this list, Not is 1 point ahead, with many more that weren’t mentioned. He will always be a huge part of pop culture, and of our childhoods, and none of that is changed by his awful fashion sense (one of his best friends wears a shirt and no pants, so at least they make a full outfit when they’re together), and Minnie doesn’t seem to care about it, or even notice it at all! So, I guess the main takeaway from all of this is that, if you wear weird shoes, a pair of button-front shorts and no shirt, you’ll get a really rad babe who will stick by you forever.

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