Ferris Bueller’s Biggest Mistakes

December 5, 2017

Being a plucky, charming teen in 1980s Chicagoland sounds like a bowl of cherries. Your parents are as observant as a basket of blind kittens, your principal’s efforts to make you repeat your senior year are constantly stymied, and your best friend doesn’t suplex you through a coffee table no matter how consistently you ruin his life. Consequences don’t exist! Yours is a life charmed by trickster gods, and your very existence will be used as evidence of humanity’s crimes in an alien tribunal!

Occasionally, though, you will make mistakes, and they will catch up with you. You have perched countless ice buckets above the doorframes of your life, and it will be a freezy day indeed when you drop your guard, Ferris Bueller. You can’t hack into the MS Dos database of karma itself and undo your failings. Here’s the highlight reel of your biggest mistakes.

Leaving Principal Rooney Alive

Mr. Rooney is a haunted man. The best day of your life, with the parade floats and the makeouts with Mia Sara, was the genesis of his villainous backstory. When he’s sitting on the school bus next to the weird kid with the pocketful of gummi bears and “Oh Yeah” by Yello is thrumming in the background, he’s plotting sweet vengeance. He’s the Javert to your Jean Valjean, and he will hunt you down, even unto the cellars of hell. Principal Rooney can’t be bargained with. He can’t be reasoned with. He doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you repeat your senior year.

Not Compiling Blackmail on Jeannie

If anybody knows where all the bodies are buried, it’s the formidable Jeannie Bueller. This pastel nightmare has been the only one savvy enough to see through your nonsense, and yeah, she may have come around to your side at the end out of sibling fondness, but she is waiting, like a spider. As she told Charlie Sheen at the police station, she’s watched you get away with murder your whole life. She has grown a bumper crop of resentments, and come harvest time, she will…drown you with…fruit, and this metaphor fell apart at the end — much like you’re gonna fall apart once Jeannie decides to bring her knowledge of your sins to bear. The only sensible option is mutually assured destruction, and you could have spent your time categorizing the skeletons in Jeannie’s walk-in closet, but nope, you thought it would be a better idea to spend time learning how not to play the clarinet. For God’s sake, Ferris.

You Don’t Understand Cars at All

“Drive the car in reverse to take miles off the odometer”? You’re willing to steal a car with your friend, turn the Chicago suburbs into a cracked game of Mario Kart, leave the Ferrari in the hands of evil goblins, and prop a car with madly spinning wheels up on one flimsy tire jack? Any decision you make involving cars should be banned by the Geneva Conventions. When you said “A man with priorities that far out of whack doesn’t deserve such a fine automobile” about Cameron’s father, you were talking about yourself, Ferris. Your parents giving you a computer instead of a car was the most astute thing they ever did, because perhaps they could sense somewhere deep down that you are a murderer. A murderer of cars.

Pretending to Be Sloan’s Father and then Making Out With Her

Gross. That’s gross, Ferris. Jesus Christ.

Need to order a load of 80s films to remind yourself that Heathers is better than every John Hughes movie put together? Head over to F.Y.E’s page on Ultimate Coupons and indulge your addiction.

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Online Purchases You Can Never Take Back

December 1, 2017

The internet is one of the greatest things ever invented, we can all agree on that. But just because it’s perfection in a series of tubes doesn’t mean that it can protect you from ill-advised, or even (social) life-threatening purchases. You might have to do some basic math before you send that drunken “i love/hate/want to beat you with a giant sandwich” emails, but there’s no Amazon add-on (yet) that stops you from buying something terrible.

You would think that, in a world where you can buy a human embryo online, there’d be some sort of safeguards, like an “Are you sure you want to buy this and possibly take the first step to becoming a supervillain? Solve this puzzle and the embryo is yours!” type thing. Instead, we live in a world where these dangerous items are readily available and waiting for your regret!

  • High-end movie/tv weapon replicas
    Yes, that bat’leth looks amazing on your wall, and once you add the second one when your relationship turns serious and moves them to a crossed set over the head of your bed, you’ll stand back and think, “Yes, this is the bed of a man (who want to be klingon). But what happens if the relationship ends? Do you troll Craigslist and OKCupid for someone who is trained in the art of battle? Soon you’re sinking hours a day and hundreds of dollars into this quest, because non-romantic bat’leth battles have their own requirements, and those requirements are EXPENSIVE.
  • Cat paraphernalia
    Yes, it may seem like Catster A. Arthur needs a 6′ free-range driftwood cat tower that’s a bargain at only $ 200, and then the matching litter box (that barely, on a good day, functions like it’s supposed to), but he doesn’t. He just wants a box, some string, and an unending supply of cat snackies. He doesn’t care if you fought Poseidon himself for that mystical Olympia wood, he’s still going to try to eat it and/or ignore it.
  • The Laserdisc player and Laserdisc collection that you bought under the mistaken idea that, because records and cassette tapes were back, you’d jump ahead of the line and be ready for the Laserdisc trendThis one pretty much explains itself. They’re not coming back. They’re record-sized DVDs that you have to get up and flip over mid-movie. That’s horrible. If you’re lucky, some other drunken fool on Craigslist will buy it from you so you can get some of that money back.
  • World of Warcraft


    Goodbye life and soul, but never forget, cat form is for fite FOR LIFE
  • The alcohol and self-help books that led to the worst date in the history of dates
    Time, like money, cannot always be gotten back. You can try to resell those self-help books, but you can never resell those memories, or that hangover, no matter how hard you try. His soul patch and Slipknot tattoos are as eternal as the tides.

The internet might be our best friend sometimes, but it can also be our greatest enemy. Sometimes it feels like there should be a child safety lock on keyboards, to keep one from making purchases that will go in our Death Book of Shame, the one that will be read to us when we pass from this life. And if that book isn’t real, maybe we should pretend that it is, to prevent the financial and social mistakes that we can never take back.

Amazon is the grandaddy of Sites For Purchasing Stuff, so do yourself a favor — head over to their page on Ultimate Coupons and make sure that, if you absolutely have to buy 500 copies of the first season of Max Headroom (and I know you do, let there be no secrets between us), you never pay more than you have to. Aside from paying your whole life for your mistakes, I mean. That goes without saying.

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90s Pop Songs Tom Waits Should Cover

November 25, 2017

Tom Waits is a gravel-voiced, porkpie-hatted muppet who appears to have shuffled out of the pages of a Raymond Chandler novel — a carny trickster god full of spiders and strange chemicals who writes lyrics like “There’s a moon in the window and a bird on the pole/We can always find a millionaire to shovel all the coal.” As unpredictable as a drunk cat covered in flypaper, his career has run the gamut from boho jazz piano to Death Farm Polka, and if you’re like me, you’re wondering: When does he turn his off-putting gaze to 90s pop standards? A few we’d respectfully like him to cover:

1. Barbie Girl by Aqua

A piece of rebar thunks on a car’s brake drum, pounding out a rhythm that sounds like a clothes dryer beating itself to death, and your toes start tapping before you’re able to stop them. A spidery guitar line sneaks in when you’re not looking. Once the groove really gets going, Tom Waits rasps out those first lines: “I’m a barbie girl/In a barbie world.” You realize that the song is about isolation and despair, that when he says “Dress me up/Make it tight/I’m your dolly,” he aches for the little plastic outfit to strangle him and free him from the Malibu Barbie playset. He wants a little plastic coffin so that he doesn’t have to feel his limbs being manipulated by unseen forces. When the calliope organ plays the mournful coda, you realize that five dollars are missing from your wallet.

2. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by Crash Test Dummies

Sixteen bagpipes, all out of tune, play every note on the musical scale, permutated into an alien honk that fills your ears and nose and mouth. Is that a choir of frightened children? Is it a bag of insects being slowly filled with honey and we’re hearing their tiny death song as they drown? Both, and neither. Tom sings the verse in a scratchy falsetto, and it’s a mercy not to be able to decipher the lyrics about lonely children and strict parents. The chorus comes around, the one with the humming, and Tom sounds like the engine of a ’72 Cadillac Coup de Ville, only it won’t turn over and is filled with rodents.

3. Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind

[an accordion plays one long droning note]

[an octopus plays a drumset made of naugahyde luncheonette booths]

[how did Tom Waits work in these lyrics about a Waffle House waitress playing God in her basement, building a lover out of hash brown scrapings and old coffee grounds]

[a theremin that deteriorates the more you play it dies softly in his arms]

“DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOOOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOOOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOOOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOOOO-DOO”

4. I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd

A smoky bass guitar intro gives way to a time signature understood only by truck drivers who’ve been in at least three wars. A barnyard shout breaks out: “Come inside, take off your coat/I’ll make you feel at home.” By “home,” he means an enormous warehouse full of mannequins, and he’s not actually Sexing Anybody Up — he wants to sex somebody up, but his body is rapidly falling apart due to toxic radiation. He’s had to nail his limbs back on with shoe tacks and hope, and his fingers are not his own anymore. You see parts of the mannequins missing, and you notice the way the light glints off the gloss on his fingers and face and neck and, my God, he’s more mannequin than man now. All of this information is strongly implied by a kazoo made out of human bones that comes in after the second chorus.

5. No Scrubs – TLC

“Henh, uh, this cover is kind of a, kind of a Brecht-goes-to-brunch kinda thing, there. It…it’s like when your wife wants you to tell her that you love her, but all you can do is look at the engine grease caking your fingers and you can smell the exhaust fumes coming from somewhere like the whole apartment is idling on the side of the road in St. Louis. And your, uh, your wife is telling you that you can do it, you know, you can clean it offa your fingers with some sponges that your mother-in-law gave you for Christmas back in 1983, that’s why you keep ‘em around, for chrissakes. And then you look underneath the sink, but the sponges got replaced with more engine grease, bottles and bottles of it. You’re never gonna get your fingers clean now. And you gotta tell her…you don’t want no scrubs.”

Tom Waits wants you to own more hats, and that’s the truth. You need a jaunty porkpie hat to wear until it’s frayed around the edges and smells like the bottom of a mine shaft. Head over to Lids’ page on Ultimate Coupons and find the perfect companion piece for your headparts.

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Most Bananas Outfits From Star Trek: The Next Generation

November 21, 2017

Star Trek is ingrained in our brains and culture, no matter what version of it you prefer (except Enterprise, we all try to forget that part of the Star Trek canon). And, despite the current Star Wars mania storming our hearts, there’s always going to be a special place for The Next Generation, and the absolutely ridiculous costumes, on both main characters and random aliens.

  1. To start with the easiest, Wesley Crusher’s sweaters
    There are entire blogs devoted to them, to admiring and recreating them, to the point of custom-making patterns, so you can shame-knit your own in the comfort of your bedroom closet (where nobody can see you). There are official costume hoodies of his most popular rainbow sweater, so that you can also live the smug teenager life, no matter what age you are!
  2. The toilet paper-romper sex aliensThe completely bonkers (and vaguely-racist) planet that’s composed entirely out of blonde (-haired) and blue (-eyed) people (the true future B&B I guess?) who spend all day using their toddler brains to run around, have sex, and wear rompers made out of toilet paper, possibly paper towels? Some sort of paper goods sex-rompers, at any rate, because those things, men included, cover less than the average Earthling’s underwear. Which they don’t seem to wear, probably because it would interfere with their “playing at love” or whatever weird phrasing they use. No matter what, it’s weird, weird, too early in the series/morning/my life for this costume-design.
  3. Every single beautiful outfit that Lwaxana Troi wearsAll of them. Even her most casual outfit has enough sequins and rhinestones to kill a man, all draped over someone so perfect that her mere perfection could do the job. Her costume designer was drunk for every day that they came into work, and probably spent half of their time running around yelling about dress weight versus skeletal capacity. Perfection.
  4. The weird children guarded by Wesley “I’m wetting myself right now” Crusher wearing the tropical vacation/dancewear hybridAre they going to a rhythmic gymnastics competition and their rivals are trying to stop them? Is Wesley their coach? Or are they just on some sort of tropical vacation in the void of space? Nobody knows! But they are dressed for anything, and they aren’t feeling any shame (just terror that Wesley Crusher was trying to hang out with them).
  5. Dimension-chumping Jedirobe McScienceguy and his Wife Barbarella Tracksuit
    What is going on in this episode? Who got bored with the fabric box and made everyone’s outfits out of tinfoil and/or blankets? Why is there so much romantic/sexual tension with Barbarella Tracksuit while Data is basically playing I AM GOING TO JAM THIS THING IN THIS HOLE AND SAVE STUFF, without any acknowledgment of the fact that that’s probably a weird thing to have as an episode conclusion when so much of it is dedicated to the weird romantic/sexual tension going on while Jedirobe is trying to die on everyone? This episode is all questions and shiny sweatsuit majesty, and maybe one answer. It’s everything I aspire to be as a human, just like Star Trek was meant to be.

Sci-fi has never been known for its “logical” “costume” “design,” but the aliens, or even other-planet humans on Star Trek, in every series from the original all the way to Deep Space 9, seems to excel in making the most perfectly nonsensical fashion choices ever. As a cosplayer (of the lazy sorts), I have a running list of the costumes that I want to make the most, due to a rating system based on “which of these makes the least sense in any real life situation?” Half of the fun of discovering a new series is seeing how completely bonkers all of the designs are going to be, because you can turn it into some sort of couch-lounging I Spy of ridiculousness and magic. Star Trek is supposed to be what the future aspires to be, and The Next Generation has definitely shown me what future fashion should aspire to be.

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Most Confusing Tom Waits Interview Answers

November 15, 2017

Smoky-voiced singer songwriter. Experimental musician and cult icon. 90s pop songs non-coverer. There are many ways to describe Tom Waits, but perhaps the most apt one is enigmatic: a mystery wrapped in a riddle (disguised as a sphinx).

Need more proof? Sift through these positively inscrutable responses Waits had to some pretty standard-issue interview questions and judge for yourself.

6. Interviewer: You classify yourself as a poet or as a singer. Which one do you like to be classified as?
Tom Waits: I’m a Methodist.

Barack Obama is super confused.

Thanks, Tommy, that clears it right up!

5. Interviewer: Many of your albums are filled with references to sailors and the sea. Do you think there’s a reason for that, beyond growing up in San Diego?
TW: I think all songs should have weather in them. Names of towns and streets, and they should have a couple of sailors. I think those are just song prerequisites.

Britney Spears puts up with your crap.

Come to think of it, he may not have been that far off base. See nearly the entire Decemberists oeuvre as evidence.

4. Interviewer: In your high school about the strongest drug that you’ll find used there is pimple cream.
TW: I’ve always maintained that reality is for people who can’t face drugs.

Confused Marty McFly Jr.

Maybe? I mean, I guess? You know, I’m just gonna take your word for it on this one.

3. Interviewer: Do you have a favorite sound?
TW: Bacon. In a frying pan. If you record the sound of bacon in a frying pan and play it back it sounds like the pops and cracks on an old 33 1/3 recording. Almost exactly like that. You could substitute it for that sound.

Kevin Spacey ain’t got time.

This is pretty handy advice, though, because my record player has a broken needle, and it’s true, sometimes you do just want to hear that record crackle sound but you’re SOL. But now you’re not! Unless you’re a vegetarian, which I am, so, well, still SOL I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2. Interviewer: What were your parents like, Tom?
TW: My father was an exhaust manifold, and my mother was a tree.

Taylor Swift is done with you.

Ok, that’s not actually biologically possible, but…

You know what, I’m just gonna leave it.

1. Interviewer: Where have you never been that you’d like to go?
TW: I’ve never been to Stonehenge. There are moles beneath Stonehenge, the most elaborate system of mole catacombs is beneath Stonehenge. There are more moles beneath Stonehenge than there are anywhere in the world and the community, they reward moles that have the courage to tunnel beneath great rivers. It takes an understanding of physics and engineering, that type of thing. Because if you make a false move, you bring the river in on you, you wipe out the whole world. They have executions for moles that have made the wrong turn.

Lucille Bluth shuts the door in your face.

Bye, Tom. Buh-bye.

Scalp a little sore from all that head scratching? Head on over to CVS on UltimateCoupons.com and pick up some soothing conditioners. You’ll feel better in no time, we promise.

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Rack Up The Savings While Working Out

November 13, 2017

There are about a million and one fitness apps on the market for tech-savvy runners, and it can be pretty overwhelming to pick the right one for you and your workout style — not least because the process of running can be a daunting nightmare chore, and it’s crucial to find an app to sugar the fitness pill. If you find one that’ll help you get up and out there, you can use the points earned while running to cash in at major outlets, so not only will your body thank you — your wallet will, too. We’ll show you how:

Walgreens

How to Earn
a. Link an app (like Zombies, Run! or Cardio Smackdown) to an activity tracking device like Fitbit or Jawbone
b. Link your device to Walgreens’ fitness tracker app
c. Manually enter in your activity once your workout is finished.

A breakdown of points:

Activity Points Maximum
Walk / Run 20 1,000 / month
Track Blood Glucose 20 40 / day
Track Blood Pressure 20 20 / day
Other activities 20 20 / day
NRT (Nicotine Replacement Therapy – patches, gum, etc.) 20 20 / day


How your points work:
a. $ 5 for every 5,000 points earned
b. Must have minimum of 5,000 points to redeem for cash
c. Maximum savings ceiling of $ 50 (or 40,000 points)
d. All points expire after 3 years, or after 6 months of inactivity

Sears/Kmart (ShopYourWay)

How to Earn
a. Activity can only be viewed/edited online at https://www.fitstudio.com/welcome/earn_points
b. Link your workout activity to a tracking device
c. 
Link your fitness tracker app to ShopYourWay
d. 
Manually insert your activity after your workout.

Breakdown of Points:

Activity Points Maximum
Sign up for FitStudio* 200 Once
Complete Your Profile* 100 Once
Connect a Device* 200 Once
Walk / Run (2 miles/day)* 50 50 / day
Burn 200 Active Calories* 50 50 / day
Share FitStudio Content (social activity)* 50 50 / day
Share Your Progress (social activity)* 50 50 / day
Walk / Run 15 miles or Burn 1500 Calories 2,000 2,000 / week


How your points work:
a. $ 0.01 for every 10 points (or $ 1 every 1,000 points)
b. 
No minimum for redemption
c. 
Use at Sears or Kmart (in-store or online)

Dick’s Sporting Goods

How to Earn:
a. Link FitBit activity tracking device
b. 
Link MapMyFitness app (able to link to select activity tracking devices)

Breakdown of Points:

Activity Points Maximum
Walk / Run 3 miles (10,000 steps) 3 3 / day


How Your Points Work:
a. $ 10 for every 300 points
b. 
Minimum of 300 points required for redemption
c. 
Maximum redemption of 600 points (or $ 20) at one time
d. 
Points awarded once a month (receive points after 50 days if using “snail mail”)
e. 
Expire at the end of the point-earning year (closest Sunday to January 31st)

Sports Authority

How to Earn:
a. Reward points are tracked online at https://www.sportsauthorityleague.com/Home.aspx?ReturnUrl=%2f
b. Must be linked to MapMyFitness app (which can be linked to select activity tracking devices)

Breakdown of Points:

Activity Points Maximum
Sign Up for Fitness Activity Program 25 Once
Link Device 25 25 / year
Walk / Run / Cycle (5 miles) 1 30 / month
10 Workouts 1 1 / 10-days


How Your Points Work:
a. Special discount or coupon for every 100 points
b. Coupons are distributed at the beginning of the month after reaching 100 points (2 weeks via email, and 3-5 weeks via snail mail
c. Coupons expire after 30 days.

———-

At all retail outlets offering these savings, it’s important to note that Apps can run concurrently with rewards, if:

  • Customer is using a wireless activity tracker
  • Reward account is linked to MapMyFitness or a similar compatible fitness app that records activity in the background like MapMyFitness does
  • Activity is manually logged after workout. (We really can’t stress this enough — if your don’t log your activity, none of your sweating and running will correspond to any savings.)

Need help getting started? Try these popular running apps and start saving!

  1. Zombies, Run! (iOS/Android)
    https://zombiesrungame.com/
  2. Running Paws (Android)
    https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.blueorbitz.digicfc2&hl=en
  3. Cardio Smackdown (iOS)
    http://cardiosmackdown.com/
  4. 7 Minute Superhero Workout (iOS/Android)
    http://superheroworkoutgame.com/
  5. BattleSuit Runner Fitness (Android)
    https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.oliveseraph.battlesuitrunner.android.free&hl=en
  6. The Walk (Android)
    https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.sixtostart.thewalk&hl=en
  7. RunTroll (Android)
    http://www.runtroll.com/#start
  8. Big Cat Race (iOS/Android)
    http://igamemom.com/app-that-gets-the-kids-running/
  9. NFL Play 60 (iOS/Android)
    https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/nfl-play-60/id793479419?mt=8
  10. Ingress (Android)
    https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.nianticproject.ingress
  11. SpecTrek (Android)
    https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.spectrekking.full

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Fantastic Harry Potter Merch (And Where to Find It)

November 9, 2017

I could make some sort of flowery statement about how the magic of Harry Potter isn’t just in Harry or Hogwarts, or even in the story of JK Rowling, but in everyone who has some sort of special memory attached. Because that’s how it seems sometimes — that it isn’t just a stack of books or movies, but this living thing that keeps giving, no matter how long it’s been since it ended. Between the theme park and the steady stream of new merchandise (and now more movies!) to help us hold onto those memories, it’s probably true that magic is as real as we make it. I mean, it’s definitely real enough to get me to wear a full Slytherin student costume to go see The Pogues, on Halloween, in LA (the land of detached coolness).


  • (Goblet of Fire Triwizard Cup Prop Replica, Entertainmentearth.com, $ 119.99)I don’t know if you can set things on fire in this, or even use it as your majestic drinking vessel, but who cares? This thing is so rad, and so cool-looking, that that doesn’t detract from it! You can play movie-Dumbledore and aggressively yell DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE in response to anything, and even shake it for emphasis (though it’s kind of expensive, so I probably wouldn’t do that, no matter how well-made it is). This goblet is basically an eternal “get out of jail free” card, because you can either say I HAVE TO GO FIGHT DRAGONS I CAN’T FOLD THE LAUNDRY or, if you’re feeling extra studly/pompous, I AM THE TRIWIZARD CHAMPION, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR SUCH PETTY CONCERNS, and nobody can disagree with you because YOU HAVE THE VICTORY PRIZE. As steep as $ 120 seems, that’s $ 120 of “I am better than everyone else”-ness. and I’ve definitely paid much more for much less victorious pride.

  • (Harry Potter Wand/TV Remote, Wbshop.com, $ 54.95)Do you like tv? Do you want to be a wizard (without waving around a Wiimote/at a Kinect and pretending)? Well, good news everyone! We’ve been blessed by the gods of beautiful merchandising with a wand remote. YOU CAN PRETEND TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL/NETFLIXICATION WITH MAGIC. It’s beautiful. It’s something that you store in a place of honor, an entertainment unit turned shrine. It’s like someone looked down and said, “TV isn’t enough magic for these poor humans, let’s make it a million times cooler, and they will rejoice.” And, oh my stars, are we rejoicing.

  • (Hermione’s time-turner necklace and display case, Thinkgeek.com, $ 49.99)Truth time: I own this. And it’s amazing. I don’t wear it, because I lose enough time that I don’t want to risk accidentally losing more because of my rad necklace, so it stays in the display case, which isn’t just well made, it’s also pretty as all hell. If/when I have children, and I force Harry Potter on them more aggressively than I force toilet-training (dream parenting style is that I handle the important stuff, and spousal person handles the “important” stuff), I won’t be ashamed to show them it and be like “this is the coolest [Harry Potter-related] thing that I own, and you are 100% not allowed to touch it until you understand the importance of hippogriffs and other cool stuff”. I’m going to be the best mom with the smartest kids.

  • (Harry Potter luck necklace and display case, Thinkgeek.com, $ 39.99)This is another piece of “you can wear it or your can display it, the product is your oyster” items, but either choice is gorgeous. The bottle is empty, which is a little sad because we all need extra fake luck sometimes, but maybe that means you’ve always drank it, and you are in an eternal cycle of good luck by owning it. If you don’t want to wear it because you don’t trust your luck, or because you are wearing the pretense of being a serious adult who only wears serious things, you can keep is stored in the awesome domed display case. When stored, it looks like something you’d find in a weirdly brilliant professor’s study, so it’s not like you’re thumbtacking some pictures torn out of a magazine to your wall (no shame, we’ve all done it), you’re displaying something.

  • (Personalized Hogwarts’ acceptance letter, Wbshop.com, various sizes and prices)How many people dreamed of getting their letter, no matter whether they were of age or not? It was the same feeling as wishing The Doctor would show up in the TARDIS and take you away on an adventure, the same physical symbol of being special, of being positively recognized for being different. Being able to buy one now, an actual, personalized letter to display, is like entering into that bit of magic, even if it’s just a framed bit of paper on your wall or shelf. These letters are amazing, and finding them has actually changed my entire not-bills-budget so that they can jump to the top of my list of silly purchases. I’m sorry, “decent clothing”, but you’ve been thrown to the bottom, because I’ve been accepted to Hogwarts as a 31 year old first year.

  • (Line of Tonner brand Harry Potter Dolls, Tonnerdoll.com, prices vary)
    With Alan Rickman’s recent passing, it feels almost cruel to review this figure, to say anything negative about it feels like I’m being a teenage James Potter. These dolls, out of the the entire line of what feels like high-end barbies, capture his likeness and overdramatic version of Professor Snape almost perfectly. You can hear the figure smacking Ron Weasley and living in the dungeons of Hogwarts, and you can feel the sadness of Snape’s redemption. Even though it’s just a doll, it’s also a bittersweet piece of many people’s adolescence, both past and present.

It doesn’t matter if you grew up with Harry Potter, and the characters felt more like friends than words in a book, or if you came late to the game. Once you get the stories in your guts, they stay there, and grow over time from something you read or watched, to something that secretly taught you so many life lessons. You can learn everything from “how not to pick up chicks (looking at you, Harry and Cho)” to “how to be brave and rad while also loving botany (sweet, magically dreamboatish Neville)”, to the bittersweet acceptance of a well-loved, and possibly even well-earned, death. The stories have a nobility that is honored by these toys, no matter how silly, because Harry Potter is silliness and nobility, lessons and magic. Toys aren’t just toys, they’re the physical representation of the power and meaning that have been brought into our lives over the years.

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Mickey Mouse: Hot or Not? (With Merch!)

November 7, 2017

People love to discuss and rate the appearance of various celebrities, like the unrelenting discussions on Kim Kardashian’s weight/fashion/morning breath, but what about other, more long-standing members of pop culture? How do their appearance changes hold up to the scrutiny of the very scientific and infallible Hot or Not scale?

A slave to trends since he was discovered by a talent scout turned business partner in 1928, Mickey has definitely showed his age at times, as well as his disconnect from what he is told people are wearing compared to what they are actually wearing. Sometimes he even tries to compete with others, wearing the same outfits with an air of “aw shucks, look at this complete coincidence!” superiority.

Steamboat Willie is an exception to this rule, with his rough looks and buttoned shorts pulled up so far above his belly button that there is a very good chance that he can taste them. A definite low-point in his fashion career, but almost charming in how honestly unconcerned it is, but it still falls firmly into the Not category.

If you always want to feel better about your outfits, commemorate this fashion failure for all eternity with this figure from The Disney Store.

Predating Vermin Supreme and LARPers everywhere, this was Mickey’s attempt at trying to set trends himself, not realizing that the only person in all of human history who could pull this off is Cher, and bad Cher imitations are 100% Not. If you must imitate the queen of everything, you do it right, or you suffer the flames of eternal shame.

Another way to always ensure that you feel like a winner, this expensively beautiful piece of art will look perfect hanging in your bedroom. Or, if you’re looking for a more budget-friendly option, there’s always this stuffed version, so you can physically touch all of the magical (get it?) fashion mistakes yourself.

Finally realizing that shorts are supposed to cover your legs and not your chest, this outfit is finally getting closer to the trends actual people wear, making this a middling Hot. If there was ever a Half a Hot, this look is it.

Be the life of the costume party by making light of decades of Mickey’s #1 fashion disaster by wearing this hat, pretending that he wore his shorts so high that they up to, if not over, his entire head. Mocking cultural icons is the fastest way to become the most popular person at any event!

 

 

There is already a 100% perfect-in-every-way animal Robin Hood, and it’s not Mickey (no matter how cute this plushie is). It’s a fox, who happens to be The Fox for all of us, a childhood dream that makes us all a little sad that you can’t marry a cartoon, and that all of the promises (threats?) of human/animal marriage never came to anything. That doesn’t change the fact that Mickey’s Robin Hood copy is a Not, because none of us are married to him in the deepest parts of our hearts (also, check out this Robin Hood & Maid Marion pin, be still my heart.)

 

Brothers-turned-enemies-(spoilers)turned-buddies, both share the same fashion sense of clog/boot hybrids with oddly bright shorts and no shirt, like the worst of Home Depot crossed with the worst of the Jersey Shore in the summer. I don’t know if it’s worse that one copied the other, or that they continued to wear matching outfits for almost a century, but I suppose you can’t question the strangeness of brotherhood. I want to rate this a Not, just because it’s old, it’s dated, it’s double the trash that it was before, but I suppose that in the interest of supporting friendship and familial bonds, that I have to rate it a Hot, because it’s a symbol of their tireless devotion to each other. And it’s kind of cute, when you think about it that way — I dress my brother-cats in matching sweaters and it’s really cute, so it’s got to be the same, right?

I hope that Mickey’s inability to keep up with fashion trends also means that he’s been unable to keep up with computer trends, because as much fun as it is to make fun of his clothes, it feels wrong to do. It’s like insulting a puppy, or telling a baby that it’s stupid. But ignoring all of that, the point is that, going by this list, Not is 1 point ahead, with many more that weren’t mentioned. He will always be a huge part of pop culture, and of our childhoods, and none of that is changed by his awful fashion sense (one of his best friends wears a shirt and no pants, so at least they make a full outfit when they’re together), and Minnie doesn’t seem to care about it, or even notice it at all! So, I guess the main takeaway from all of this is that, if you wear weird shoes, a pair of button-front shorts and no shirt, you’ll get a really rad babe who will stick by you forever.

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Merchandise to Console the Anglophile’s Soul Upon the Demise of Downton Abbey

November 5, 2017

I’m pretty sure that I was meant to be “to the manor born.” I’ve always been a bit of an anglophile, but I never realized how deeply it was imbedded in my DNA until I became involved in life at Downton Abbey, which strikes a chord in me that can only be described as nostalgia. I am convinced that Downton should be my home, and must have been in a previous life. Fate can be cruel (just ask Lady Edith) and some strange twist has landed me in the role of impoverished observer rather than lady of the manor. As if that’s not bad enough, now I must face the fact that  cherished access to the lives of my long-lost family is to end with the show’s finale on March 6.

Whatever shall I do, besides weep into my English breakfast tea? Well, we Brits (both native and adopted) are known for our stiff upper lips, so I suppose we’ll just have to pull ourselves together and carry on. If Lady Mary can do it, so can we. In anticipation of Downton withdrawals, I’ve been pulling together this sampling of items we diehard anglophiles can console ourselves with when the final season ends.

We’ll Have Tea in the Sitting Room, Carson

Won’t you join me for a traditional afternoon tea? We can sip, daintily munch on those tiny little dry sandwiches, and commiserate together. If I actually had a sitting room, I think we’d be sitting in it for a very long time waiting for my footman (a/k/a my ten-year-old) to bring us a nice hot cuppa. I may not have a houseful of servants to prepare it, but this traditional English tea gift basket ($ 50) from the English Tea Store includes everything we’ll need, from a teapot and P.G. Tips to clotted cream and a mix for homemade scones.

My Kingdom for a Mrs. Patmore

I would gladly give up the modern conveniences of dishwashers and microwaves if I could only live as the English aristocracy did, without ever having to set foot inside a kitchen. My budget doesn’t stretch to a personal chef, but I can set an elegant pretty table, reminiscent of a formal dinner in the Abbey, with these fluted porcelain plates ($ 30, Cost Plus World Market) designed as recreations of the actual Downton china. Now, can entice you into sampling my attempt at a rib roast and Yorkshire pudding? Yes, it’s supposed to look like that – just scrape off the burn-y bits.

Sitting in an English Garden…Not

I would invite you out to view my garden, but alas, rather than sculpted hedgerows, climbing roses and verdant rolling fields, I’m afraid all you’re going to see is an expanse of concrete and a somewhat murky pool (give me a break, I told you I don’t have servants and I spent all day on that blasted pudding). For a sweeter view, I’ll have to ask you up to my bedroom. No, I didn’t mean that – mind your manners! It’s just that indoors is where my garden grows, as you’ll see when you step into my blooming bower of a boudoir, topped off with this Cath Kidston antique rose duvet cover ($ 96).

Properly Attired

Oh! I see you’re not quite up on your etiquette, my dear. Don’t you know you never accept an invitation to afternoon tea without the proper attire? Ladies must always don a hat for these occasions; but don’t worry, I have extra. This frothy pink straw hat ($ 99) from Hats in the Belfry  is perfect for setting off an English rose complexion (otherwise known as pasty winter-face – you might want to hit the spray tan later). Your gentleman companion is in perfect form with his Jack Wills bow tie ($ 19). Well done, old chap!

Is That a TARDIS in the Corner?

Why, yes, thank you for noticing. I’m planning to use the TARDIS ($ 100, ThinkGeek) to return to Britain at the turn of the century and reclaim my rightful inheritance and title. Failing that, I guess I will have to mourn the passing of Downton by exploring some of the many other BBC series available to feed my anglophilia. Visit the Ultimate Coupons BBC Shop page for DVD collections of Poirot, Upstairs, Downstairs, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Absolutely Fabulous, Little Britain, Black Adder and more to fill the empty void the end of Downton Abbey will leave in your life.

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Music is awesome

March 12, 2017

Music is really awesome

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Your Holiday Hangover Game Plan

February 12, 2016

The new year brings a fresh start, along with resolutions to be a better you, live a cleaner life and enjoy its simple pleasures. But you’re not going to be able to follow through with any of that if you look and feel on January 1 like that big shiny ball from last night dropped right onto you. So before you head out to party like it’s 1999 again, keep these tips in mind to head off (or recover from) that holiday hangover and make starting your new year a little less painful.

1. All Things in Moderation

Drink moderately, if at all. I’m sure you’re already well aware that’s what you’re supposed to do. For every alcoholic beverage you consume, follow it with a glass of water, and never drink on an empty stomach. Now is the time to indulge in all the cocktail weenies, cheese cubes and peanuts you can carry. After all, that booty boot camp starts tomorrow, right?

2. Light is All Right

Of course, what we’re supposed to do and what we actually do don’t always seem to match up, do they? After all, you’re young, you’re wild and you’re free, as the song goes (and if you think that’s a Triumph lyric, rather than Lana Del Rey, then you’re actually not that first thing. Go to bed, Gramps). If you’re going to drink, stick to light alcohols like vodka and gin, but beware of the devil that is champagne. Bubbles are fun going down, but not so much coming back up. The fizz can lead to a splitting headache, and so can drinks containing congeners, like red wine, brandy and whiskey.

3. Believe in Magic

Want a magic pill that will let you drink and party till dawn? It may actually exist. Scientific studies have shown that the extract of the prickly pear cactus, taken before drinking, can help reduce the severity of your hangover by up to fifty percent. If you don’t live near the desert, you can get your hands on some at Lucky Vitamin.

Ah, young grasshopper, I see you paid no heed to my wise advice. No offense taken, I’m still happy to help when you wake up looking like an extra from the Walking Dead and feeling like you’ve eaten Chewbacca, hair and all. Fear not, velveteen bunny; I can make you human again.

4. Water, Water, Everywhere

Start by rehydrating. Lots and lots of water is good, and electrolyte-filled fluids like Pedialyte and Gatorade are even better. In a pinch, make your own remedy by adding a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar and a drop of raw honey to a cup of water.

5. Stuff Your Face

Once you’ve emptied your stomach (ooh, how did that confetti get in there?), or if you’re trying to avoid doing so, you need to fill it up again. It sounds counterintuitive, but truly, the greasier fare the better when it comes to hangover recovery. I recommend a heaping plate of barbeque with sides of mashed potatoes and beans. I swear, it works. Alternatively, a big old cheeseburger, or some huevos rancheros will do. Just try not to look at them while you eat.

6. Beautify the Beast

Now that you’re feeling better, we’ve got to get you looking alive again. Your face is likely to be redder and puffier than Ronda Rousey’s after her smackdown. Keep a cooling gel mask in the fridge to depuff the day after, and use an extra-rich night cream instead of your usual daytime moisturizer to rehydrate skin. A few drops of Visine work wonders on red skin, as well as your eyes. You can score these lifesaving goodies at Drugstore.com.

7. Snoozefest

Sleeping it off is truly the best way to feel normal again. Draw the shades or wear an eyemask, keep a bucket handy, and turn on Martha Bakes at low volume. There’s just something about Martha Stewart’s voice that is incredibly soothing. Trust me.

8. Tough It Out

If you must face the world, pop a couple of painkillers with some “hair of the dog” and go out with a brave, if slightly shaky and greenish, face. Don’t forget your most important post-party accessory – the darkest possible shades. Head over to Sunglass Hut to pick up an inky pair, and don’t forget to use the money-saving codes you can find at UltimateCoupons.com, so your wallet doesn’t suffer from a post-holiday hangover, too.

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90s Pop Songs Tom Waits Should Cover

February 10, 2016

Tom Waits is a gravel-voiced, porkpie-hatted muppet who appears to have shuffled out of the pages of a Raymond Chandler novel — a carny trickster god full of spiders and strange chemicals who writes lyrics like “There’s a moon in the window and a bird on the pole/We can always find a millionaire to shovel all the coal.” As unpredictable as a drunk cat covered in flypaper, his career has run the gamut from boho jazz piano to Death Farm Polka, and if you’re like me, you’re wondering: When does he turn his off-putting gaze to 90s pop standards? A few we’d respectfully like him to cover:

1. Barbie Girl by Aqua

A piece of rebar thunks on a car’s brake drum, pounding out a rhythm that sounds like a clothes dryer beating itself to death, and your toes start tapping before you’re able to stop them. A spidery guitar line sneaks in when you’re not looking. Once the groove really gets going, Tom Waits rasps out those first lines: “I’m a barbie girl/In a barbie world.” You realize that the song is about isolation and despair, that when he says “Dress me up/Make it tight/I’m your dolly,” he aches for the little plastic outfit to strangle him and free him from the Malibu Barbie playset. He wants a little plastic coffin so that he doesn’t have to feel his limbs being manipulated by unseen forces. When the calliope organ plays the mournful coda, you realize that five dollars are missing from your wallet.

2. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by Crash Test Dummies

Sixteen bagpipes, all out of tune, play every note on the musical scale, permutated into an alien honk that fills your ears and nose and mouth. Is that a choir of frightened children? Is it a bag of insects being slowly filled with honey and we’re hearing their tiny death song as they drown? Both, and neither. Tom sings the verse in a scratchy falsetto, and it’s a mercy not to be able to decipher the lyrics about lonely children and strict parents. The chorus comes around, the one with the humming, and Tom sounds like the engine of a ’72 Cadillac Coup de Ville, only it won’t turn over and is filled with rodents.

3. Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind

[an accordion plays one long droning note]

[an octopus plays a drumset made of naugahyde luncheonette booths]

[how did Tom Waits work in these lyrics about a Waffle House waitress playing God in her basement, building a lover out of hash brown scrapings and old coffee grounds]

[a theremin that deteriorates the more you play it dies softly in his arms]

“DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOOOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOOOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOOOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOOOO-DOO”

4. I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd

A smoky bass guitar intro gives way to a time signature understood only by truck drivers who’ve been in at least three wars. A barnyard shout breaks out: “Come inside, take off your coat/I’ll make you feel at home.” By “home,” he means an enormous warehouse full of mannequins, and he’s not actually Sexing Anybody Up — he wants to sex somebody up, but his body is rapidly falling apart due to toxic radiation. He’s had to nail his limbs back on with shoe tacks and hope, and his fingers are not his own anymore. You see parts of the mannequins missing, and you notice the way the light glints off the gloss on his fingers and face and neck and, my God, he’s more mannequin than man now. All of this information is strongly implied by a kazoo made out of human bones that comes in after the second chorus.

5. No Scrubs – TLC

“Henh, uh, this cover is kind of a, kind of a Brecht-goes-to-brunch kinda thing, there. It…it’s like when your wife wants you to tell her that you love her, but all you can do is look at the engine grease caking your fingers and you can smell the exhaust fumes coming from somewhere like the whole apartment is idling on the side of the road in St. Louis. And your, uh, your wife is telling you that you can do it, you know, you can clean it offa your fingers with some sponges that your mother-in-law gave you for Christmas back in 1983, that’s why you keep ‘em around, for chrissakes. And then you look underneath the sink, but the sponges got replaced with more engine grease, bottles and bottles of it. You’re never gonna get your fingers clean now. And you gotta tell her…you don’t want no scrubs.”

Tom Waits wants you to own more hats, and that’s the truth. You need a jaunty porkpie hat to wear until it’s frayed around the edges and smells like the bottom of a mine shaft. Head over to Lids’ page on Ultimate Coupons and find the perfect companion piece for your headparts.

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Merchandise to Console the Anglophile’s Soul Upon the Demise of Downton Abbey

February 8, 2016

I’m pretty sure that I was meant to be “to the manor born.” I’ve always been a bit of an anglophile, but I never realized how deeply it was imbedded in my DNA until I became involved in life at Downton Abbey, which strikes a chord in me that can only be described as nostalgia. I am convinced that Downton should be my home, and must have been in a previous life. Fate can be cruel (just ask Lady Edith) and some strange twist has landed me in the role of impoverished observer rather than lady of the manor. As if that’s not bad enough, now I must face the fact that  cherished access to the lives of my long-lost family is to end with the show’s finale on March 6.

Whatever shall I do, besides weep into my English breakfast tea? Well, we Brits (both native and adopted) are known for our stiff upper lips, so I suppose we’ll just have to pull ourselves together and carry on. If Lady Mary can do it, so can we. In anticipation of Downton withdrawals, I’ve been pulling together this sampling of items we diehard anglophiles can console ourselves with when the final season ends.

We’ll Have Tea in the Sitting Room, Carson

Won’t you join me for a traditional afternoon tea? We can sip, daintily munch on those tiny little dry sandwiches, and commiserate together. If I actually had a sitting room, I think we’d be sitting in it for a very long time waiting for my footman (a/k/a my ten-year-old) to bring us a nice hot cuppa. I may not have a houseful of servants to prepare it, but this traditional English tea gift basket ($ 50) from the English Tea Store includes everything we’ll need, from a teapot and P.G. Tips to clotted cream and a mix for homemade scones.

My Kingdom for a Mrs. Patmore

I would gladly give up the modern conveniences of dishwashers and microwaves if I could only live as the English aristocracy did, without ever having to set foot inside a kitchen. My budget doesn’t stretch to a personal chef, but I can set an elegant pretty table, reminiscent of a formal dinner in the Abbey, with these fluted porcelain plates ($ 30, Cost Plus World Market) designed as recreations of the actual Downton china. Now, can entice you into sampling my attempt at a rib roast and Yorkshire pudding? Yes, it’s supposed to look like that – just scrape off the burn-y bits.

Sitting in an English Garden…Not

I would invite you out to view my garden, but alas, rather than sculpted hedgerows, climbing roses and verdant rolling fields, I’m afraid all you’re going to see is an expanse of concrete and a somewhat murky pool (give me a break, I told you I don’t have servants and I spent all day on that blasted pudding). For a sweeter view, I’ll have to ask you up to my bedroom. No, I didn’t mean that – mind your manners! It’s just that indoors is where my garden grows, as you’ll see when you step into my blooming bower of a boudoir, topped off with this Cath Kidston antique rose duvet cover ($ 96).

Properly Attired

Oh! I see you’re not quite up on your etiquette, my dear. Don’t you know you never accept an invitation to afternoon tea without the proper attire? Ladies must always don a hat for these occasions; but don’t worry, I have extra. This frothy pink straw hat ($ 99) from Hats in the Belfry  is perfect for setting off an English rose complexion (otherwise known as pasty winter-face – you might want to hit the spray tan later). Your gentleman companion is in perfect form with his Jack Wills bow tie ($ 19). Well done, old chap!

Is That a TARDIS in the Corner?

Why, yes, thank you for noticing. I’m planning to use the TARDIS ($ 100, ThinkGeek) to return to Britain at the turn of the century and reclaim my rightful inheritance and title. Failing that, I guess I will have to mourn the passing of Downton by exploring some of the many other BBC series available to feed my anglophilia. Visit the Ultimate Coupons BBC Shop page for DVD collections of Poirot, Upstairs, Downstairs, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Absolutely Fabulous, Little Britain, Black Adder and more to fill the empty void the end of Downton Abbey will leave in your life.

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Most Bananas Outfits From Star Trek: The Next Generation

January 30, 2016

Star Trek is ingrained in our brains and culture, no matter what version of it you prefer (except Enterprise, we all try to forget that part of the Star Trek canon). And, despite the current Star Wars mania storming our hearts, there’s always going to be a special place for The Next Generation, and the absolutely ridiculous costumes, on both main characters and random aliens.

  1. To start with the easiest, Wesley Crusher’s sweaters
    There are entire blogs devoted to them, to admiring and recreating them, to the point of custom-making patterns, so you can shame-knit your own in the comfort of your bedroom closet (where nobody can see you). There are official costume hoodies of his most popular rainbow sweater, so that you can also live the smug teenager life, no matter what age you are!
  2. The toilet paper-romper sex aliensThe completely bonkers (and vaguely-racist) planet that’s composed entirely out of blonde (-haired) and blue (-eyed) people (the true future B&B I guess?) who spend all day using their toddler brains to run around, have sex, and wear rompers made out of toilet paper, possibly paper towels? Some sort of paper goods sex-rompers, at any rate, because those things, men included, cover less than the average Earthling’s underwear. Which they don’t seem to wear, probably because it would interfere with their “playing at love” or whatever weird phrasing they use. No matter what, it’s weird, weird, too early in the series/morning/my life for this costume-design.
  3. Every single beautiful outfit that Lwaxana Troi wearsAll of them. Even her most casual outfit has enough sequins and rhinestones to kill a man, all draped over someone so perfect that her mere perfection could do the job. Her costume designer was drunk for every day that they came into work, and probably spent half of their time running around yelling about dress weight versus skeletal capacity. Perfection.
  4. The weird children guarded by Wesley “I’m wetting myself right now” Crusher wearing the tropical vacation/dancewear hybridAre they going to a rhythmic gymnastics competition and their rivals are trying to stop them? Is Wesley their coach? Or are they just on some sort of tropical vacation in the void of space? Nobody knows! But they are dressed for anything, and they aren’t feeling any shame (just terror that Wesley Crusher was trying to hang out with them).
  5. Dimension-chumping Jedirobe McScienceguy and his Wife Barbarella Tracksuit
    What is going on in this episode? Who got bored with the fabric box and made everyone’s outfits out of tinfoil and/or blankets? Why is there so much romantic/sexual tension with Barbarella Tracksuit while Data is basically playing I AM GOING TO JAM THIS THING IN THIS HOLE AND SAVE STUFF, without any acknowledgment of the fact that that’s probably a weird thing to have as an episode conclusion when so much of it is dedicated to the weird romantic/sexual tension going on while Jedirobe is trying to die on everyone? This episode is all questions and shiny sweatsuit majesty, and maybe one answer. It’s everything I aspire to be as a human, just like Star Trek was meant to be.

Sci-fi has never been known for its “logical” “costume” “design,” but the aliens, or even other-planet humans on Star Trek, in every series from the original all the way to Deep Space 9, seems to excel in making the most perfectly nonsensical fashion choices ever. As a cosplayer (of the lazy sorts), I have a running list of the costumes that I want to make the most, due to a rating system based on “which of these makes the least sense in any real life situation?” Half of the fun of discovering a new series is seeing how completely bonkers all of the designs are going to be, because you can turn it into some sort of couch-lounging I Spy of ridiculousness and magic. Star Trek is supposed to be what the future aspires to be, and The Next Generation has definitely shown me what future fashion should aspire to be.

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Mickey Mouse: Hot or Not? (With Merch!)

January 28, 2016

People love to discuss and rate the appearance of various celebrities, like the unrelenting discussions on Kim Kardashian’s weight/fashion/morning breath, but what about other, more long-standing members of pop culture? How do their appearance changes hold up to the scrutiny of the very scientific and infallible Hot or Not scale?

A slave to trends since he was discovered by a talent scout turned business partner in 1928, Mickey has definitely showed his age at times, as well as his disconnect from what he is told people are wearing compared to what they are actually wearing. Sometimes he even tries to compete with others, wearing the same outfits with an air of “aw shucks, look at this complete coincidence!” superiority.

Steamboat Willie is an exception to this rule, with his rough looks and buttoned shorts pulled up so far above his belly button that there is a very good chance that he can taste them. A definite low-point in his fashion career, but almost charming in how honestly unconcerned it is, but it still falls firmly into the Not category.

If you always want to feel better about your outfits, commemorate this fashion failure for all eternity with this figure from The Disney Store.

Predating Vermin Supreme and LARPers everywhere, this was Mickey’s attempt at trying to set trends himself, not realizing that the only person in all of human history who could pull this off is Cher, and bad Cher imitations are 100% Not. If you must imitate the queen of everything, you do it right, or you suffer the flames of eternal shame.

Another way to always ensure that you feel like a winner, this expensively beautiful piece of art will look perfect hanging in your bedroom. Or, if you’re looking for a more budget-friendly option, there’s always this stuffed version, so you can physically touch all of the magical (get it?) fashion mistakes yourself.

Finally realizing that shorts are supposed to cover your legs and not your chest, this outfit is finally getting closer to the trends actual people wear, making this a middling Hot. If there was ever a Half a Hot, this look is it.

Be the life of the costume party by making light of decades of Mickey’s #1 fashion disaster by wearing this hat, pretending that he wore his shorts so high that they up to, if not over, his entire head. Mocking cultural icons is the fastest way to become the most popular person at any event!

 

 

There is already a 100% perfect-in-every-way animal Robin Hood, and it’s not Mickey (no matter how cute this plushie is). It’s a fox, who happens to be The Fox for all of us, a childhood dream that makes us all a little sad that you can’t marry a cartoon, and that all of the promises (threats?) of human/animal marriage never came to anything. That doesn’t change the fact that Mickey’s Robin Hood copy is a Not, because none of us are married to him in the deepest parts of our hearts (also, check out this Robin Hood & Maid Marion pin, be still my heart.)

 

Brothers-turned-enemies-(spoilers)turned-buddies, both share the same fashion sense of clog/boot hybrids with oddly bright shorts and no shirt, like the worst of Home Depot crossed with the worst of the Jersey Shore in the summer. I don’t know if it’s worse that one copied the other, or that they continued to wear matching outfits for almost a century, but I suppose you can’t question the strangeness of brotherhood. I want to rate this a Not, just because it’s old, it’s dated, it’s double the trash that it was before, but I suppose that in the interest of supporting friendship and familial bonds, that I have to rate it a Hot, because it’s a symbol of their tireless devotion to each other. And it’s kind of cute, when you think about it that way — I dress my brother-cats in matching sweaters and it’s really cute, so it’s got to be the same, right?

I hope that Mickey’s inability to keep up with fashion trends also means that he’s been unable to keep up with computer trends, because as much fun as it is to make fun of his clothes, it feels wrong to do. It’s like insulting a puppy, or telling a baby that it’s stupid. But ignoring all of that, the point is that, going by this list, Not is 1 point ahead, with many more that weren’t mentioned. He will always be a huge part of pop culture, and of our childhoods, and none of that is changed by his awful fashion sense (one of his best friends wears a shirt and no pants, so at least they make a full outfit when they’re together), and Minnie doesn’t seem to care about it, or even notice it at all! So, I guess the main takeaway from all of this is that, if you wear weird shoes, a pair of button-front shorts and no shirt, you’ll get a really rad babe who will stick by you forever.

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